“On set, intimacy direction is all about communication, clarity, care, and connection—and real-life intimacy thrives on the same principles,” Vyaso says, also recommending that people, much like the actors she works with, agree on intimacy parameters. “Just as in acting, our bodies’ responses and moods fluctuate, our boundaries shift. A considerate touch base with a ‘are you still comfortable?’ or ‘should we take a moment or change?’ can make all the difference in building trust and pleasure.”
Steinrock reminds us that consent is reversible—something you should make clear with your partner in those pre-sex conversations. It’s possible that, on paper, trying something new might be something you’re both down for…but once it actually happens, it turns out not to be your thing. Establishing ahead of time that either of you can change your mind at any moment can take some of the pressure off. Just like actors who might feel good about a potential angle or movement during check-in but then hate how it looks on camera, you won’t truly know if a particular new sex “move” works for you until you’re physically in it.
Choreograph intimacy like a dance.
Once you’re in the scene, there are a lot of things that might throw you off your game. Maybe you have performance anxiety as a result of over-rehearsing the routine in your head or you’re just trying to get through all the steps without “messing up.” Either way, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture, which is to stay engaged and build a connection.
To take the pressure of these moments and infuse a little more spontaneity, Vyaso recommends evoking a “choreographed touch.” If you are aware of your partner’s emotional landscape and comfort zones, touching them where and how they like to be touched while “taking time for moments of stillness, breathing, and mutual fine-tuning, can make real-life intimacy feel more immediate and connected,” she adds. This could include a back rub, a slight caress to the face, or sensual eye contact.
You can also use non-verbal cues to communicate—leaning into the rhythm of your breath, squeezing a hand, signaling for a pause—without having to break the magic of the moment. “In real life, these tools can become our most powerful ally—like a hand squeeze that whispers a soft ‘yes, please continue,’ or adjusting body positioning in a way that signals interest or hesitation,” Vyaso says. “Intimacy is as much about listening as it is about expressing.”
At the end of the day, sex is just a dance made up of different positions, movements, sounds and emotions. Over time, you create a choreographed routine where you know all the steps. Being a director and bringing a creative flair to the process can help a lot of us look at sex differently. So set the stage, rehearse your lines, and go be the star of your own self-choreographed sex scenes.
Read more from Doing It:
How to Make a Long-Distance Marriage Work
What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives
A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM
